This has been a surprising very lovely birthday. I went to see Fantastic Mr. Fox, which was fantastic. My mom was happy and my dad was so kind and he made us fondue and poured us delicious sparking wine. I had phone conversations with friends that I love dearly and received amazing messages from more friends. And I realized that I am very lucky and very rich in love (something that I have been selfishly forgetting lately). Only true friends and love can bring so much happiness.

"I do remember that you used to wrinkle up your nose when you talked when you were this big. And you were so cute. You're beautiful, just like your mom."

It's quite possible that I've pushed away most who care about or like me. 
I've got to stop doing that.

 I'm not quite sure if I've ever felt this uninspired and apathetic. And I can't quite figure out why I feel this way. I know part of it is that I'm back at home and all of the things that come with it, another is my feeling so so lonely, and also that this community college campus is full of people walking aimlessly, wishing for more and just passing through or not wishing for anything at all. Still a thought provoking yet minimal factor is that a lot of the couples I know in long lasting relationships are breaking up and I always wonder why that stuff comes in patterns and it's a bit bewildering. But I know mainly it's that I'm not in the Land of Enchantment, which really was that for me. As soon as we were all ready to leave I was feeling better than I ever had before, really myself. I'm sure some of the people I was around helped. And I did a lot there, I really got my head around what I want from my art but here can't really lend itself to any of that. Despite all of that I don't feel like those reasons are enough to make me feel this way because hey, I've done all of this before. And I suppose that's really it. I feel trapped and I can only hope that the decisions and hopes I have work out. I don't have, or feel as if I do, much of a support system right now, not a curious one, not one that listens and remembers. It's hard to really care when you want to start your life when the place is inhibiting it, when you really want to move on.
I wish that my entries weren't always ones that made me cry when I write them and I apologize to any readers for always being so negative. I hope that this writing project with Jeremy motivates me or gets me going somehow, although I fear putting that much pressure on anything. I think the change in the weather will help and hopefully I can just start being more productive and positive again. I just always have to live in the past, don't I? 

 
I've just stared to reorganize my room in hopes of really ridding it of clutter, trying out some feng shui, and gaining some kind of mental understanding of myself.
So I've just emptied all of my bookshelves, which of course took quite a bit of time because of all of the dust and because a girl must look over every book first.
And ohhh, do I just adore my books. They make me remember who I am, who I want to be. They make me remember how lovely the world is. I love this earth.
I love how much difference, beauty, and creativity there is in it. It's the most wonderful, best earth there is!  

I'm always wishing for the past. Even in TV shows.

 "It's time to not apologize for our expectations and standards."

 In the end, however I deal with everything with avoidance. And wholeheartedly support the idea.

I remember some very sad times for myself and some friends.  It's odd when a friend is that sad now, when someone can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I can't imagine that anymore and that's not something that I ever ever thought would happen. I still get into very dark moods, very anxious, angry, sad moods but it always seems to end even when I doubt it will. Good comes of everything. I realize that we are who we make ourselves. We are what we believe. We are all so separate from each other, sort of locked in our own heads forever more but the thing is, that's actually what unites us. In the end, things are what they are supposed to be. I hope that I make the right decisions about my life, we all do. I suppose that they're the right decision after we make them, morales philosophy aside that is. What will be, will be..? I've been working on this acceptance philosophy. This idea that we don't have control over anything that happens to us, only what we do ourselves. Ourselves are the only thing we can control. I find solace in that, after things, in the end.