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December 8th, 2009 (10:01 pm)
happy

current mood: happy
current sound: Beach House - Lover of Mine | Powered by Last.fm

This has been a surprising very lovely birthday. I went to see Fantastic Mr. Fox, which was fantastic. My mom was happy and my dad was so kind and he made us fondue and poured us delicious sparking wine. I had phone conversations with friends that I love dearly and received amazing messages from more friends. And I realized that I am very lucky and very rich in love (something that I have been selfishly forgetting lately). Only true friends and love can bring so much happiness.

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November 13th, 2009 (01:17 am)
current mood: inspired

"I do remember that you used to wrinkle up your nose when you talked when you were this big. And you were so cute. You're beautiful, just like your mom."

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October 19th, 2009 (10:54 pm)
creative

current mood: creative
current sound: Karen O and the Kids - Rumpus Reprise | Powered by Last.fm

It's quite possible that I've pushed away most who care about or like me. 
I've got to stop doing that.

"That far off feeling, that up close kind of ache."

September 30th, 2009 (01:01 pm)
contemplative

current mood: contemplative
current sound: Monsters of Folk - Map Of The World | Powered by Last.fm

 I'm not quite sure if I've ever felt this uninspired and apathetic. And I can't quite figure out why I feel this way. I know part of it is that I'm back at home and all of the things that come with it, another is my feeling so so lonely, and also that this community college campus is full of people walking aimlessly, wishing for more and just passing through or not wishing for anything at all. Still a thought provoking yet minimal factor is that a lot of the couples I know in long lasting relationships are breaking up and I always wonder why that stuff comes in patterns and it's a bit bewildering. But I know mainly it's that I'm not in the Land of Enchantment, which really was that for me. As soon as we were all ready to leave I was feeling better than I ever had before, really myself. I'm sure some of the people I was around helped. And I did a lot there, I really got my head around what I want from my art but here can't really lend itself to any of that. Despite all of that I don't feel like those reasons are enough to make me feel this way because hey, I've done all of this before. And I suppose that's really it. I feel trapped and I can only hope that the decisions and hopes I have work out. I don't have, or feel as if I do, much of a support system right now, not a curious one, not one that listens and remembers. It's hard to really care when you want to start your life when the place is inhibiting it, when you really want to move on.
I wish that my entries weren't always ones that made me cry when I write them and I apologize to any readers for always being so negative. I hope that this writing project with Jeremy motivates me or gets me going somehow, although I fear putting that much pressure on anything. I think the change in the weather will help and hopefully I can just start being more productive and positive again. I just always have to live in the past, don't I? 

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"I'll keep the flowers and put them in a saucer by your bed."

September 17th, 2009 (04:56 pm)
accomplished

current mood: accomplished
current sound: Viggo Mortensen - Cuttings | Powered by Last.fm

 
I've just stared to reorganize my room in hopes of really ridding it of clutter, trying out some feng shui, and gaining some kind of mental understanding of myself.
So I've just emptied all of my bookshelves, which of course took quite a bit of time because of all of the dust and because a girl must look over every book first.
And ohhh, do I just adore my books. They make me remember who I am, who I want to be. They make me remember how lovely the world is. I love this earth.
I love how much difference, beauty, and creativity there is in it. It's the most wonderful, best earth there is!  

The good old days.

September 16th, 2009 (11:13 pm)

I'm always wishing for the past. Even in TV shows.

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September 14th, 2009 (04:53 pm)

 "It's time to not apologize for our expectations and standards."

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September 14th, 2009 (01:46 am)

 In the end, however I deal with everything with avoidance. And wholeheartedly support the idea.

"And if ever my love goes. If I'm rich or I'm poor. Please let out my heart, please."

September 13th, 2009 (10:37 pm)
nostalgic

current mood: nostalgic
current sound: Yim Yames - Behind That Locked Door | Powered by Last.fm

I remember some very sad times for myself and some friends.  It's odd when a friend is that sad now, when someone can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I can't imagine that anymore and that's not something that I ever ever thought would happen. I still get into very dark moods, very anxious, angry, sad moods but it always seems to end even when I doubt it will. Good comes of everything. I realize that we are who we make ourselves. We are what we believe. We are all so separate from each other, sort of locked in our own heads forever more but the thing is, that's actually what unites us. In the end, things are what they are supposed to be. I hope that I make the right decisions about my life, we all do. I suppose that they're the right decision after we make them, morales philosophy aside that is. What will be, will be..? I've been working on this acceptance philosophy. This idea that we don't have control over anything that happens to us, only what we do ourselves. Ourselves are the only thing we can control. I find solace in that, after things, in the end.
 

"Though nothing looks familiar to me. I know I've stayed here before."

August 24th, 2009 (02:29 am)
lethargic

current mood: lethargic
current sound: Bob Dylan - Red River Shore | Powered by Last.fm


This has been the very strangest summer. The past four months have passed by in light speed. I guess it's true what they say about getting older. The person I was in Santa Fe is not the person I am here. My anxiety has gotten quite a bit worse, for some very specific reasons I've come to understand. I seem to not be able to be anything but selfish. I don't like that memories change everything. I've never had such an inability to cope. I spent most days watching television and sleeping. I didn't see my friends as much as I wanted, nor was I good at keeping in touch. However, I've had fun too. I talk to Sarah a lot. I saw Richie Havens. I spent time with lovely Spencer and her family, we went kayaking. I went to San Francisco with Doug. I saw Willie Nelson and Bob Dylan, which was absolutely amazing. I went to a ball game with Devin and saw him karaoke. I am very lucky to have a job (with people who have brains too, no less).  I wish I had watched more movies and read more, created art and cooked more, and gotten my room into order before classes started. I've been thinking all summer, however, that it's best that I'm taking a couple classes (at the community college to defer my loans) because I need that stimulation so very much. So, even though I feel fairly ill prepared, since it has come so quickly, for my classes this week it should be better with them. I feel change and similarity. I mostly feel uncomfortable. It's funny how people come into, leave, and come back into our lives. I miss...everything.
 

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